a blog for mama...

exactly ten years ago today, someone that is a big part of me bid her final farewell. she was only 42 years old. she was a teacher by profession but decided to leave her family in 1992 to work as a domestic helper in hongkong and taiwan. in december 1998, she finally went home for good and supposedly in june 1999, she will resume her teaching career. her former school and her former colleagues were already waiting for her.

but it never happened. once again she bid farewell. but this time, there will never be reunions, there will never be coming back home, there will never be balikbayan boxes, there will never be an Editha Salcedo Buyco Hilario again.

ten years...but the pain is still there. grabe, ansakit pa rin. as i am writing this, i couldn't stop the tears to trickle down my cheeks; ansikip ng dibdib ko. ten years of crying alone, ten years of secretly wiping my tears that freely flow down my cheeks whenever i remember her in public, ten years of dreaming of her and waking up crying. ten years of wishful thinking that she is still alive. ten years… but I do still hope that someone will pinch me or punch me and wake me up from the nightmare...

april 10, 1999. our family’s on the way to mamang’s hometown where a fiesta awaits us. i still remember the last conversation we had inside that car; mamang was asking me if i do like bsbiology (I was in my first year of college then); she was worried that i was only pressured to enroll in that course since they didn't let me enroll at davao city and pursue bsmasscom. i just shrugged and kept quiet and mom just told me 'puwede ka pa rin naman magshift kung gusto mo"...

…and then i woke up in a hospital bed. puzzled and nauseous, i looked around the room and saw macoy in a chair beside me. i asked him the obvious, “nasaan ako?”, “nasa ospital kayo”, “anong nagyari?”, “nadisgrasya kayo”, “ha? nasaan sina papang?”, “nasa kabilang kwarto”, “ah ok”…then retreated to sleep, not the slightest idea that that the accident we've met was so tragic it would change our lives forever. it must be the drugs they gave me that i couldn’t remember how many hours or days i have fallen asleep. when I woke up again, it was Nanay (mamang’s mother) i saw beside my bed. i noticed that we were in another room and that there were many people inside that room, mamang’s sisters and some relatives. when Nanay suddenly burst into tears, i asked her, “bakit?”, “Wala na mama niyo…”. it took me a while to comprehend just what she said and just stared blankly at her. i only started crying when the people in the room started to cry.

of all my siblings, it was our youngest whom we last broke the sad news of mamang’s death. he was asking us one time if where is mamang and why is she not visiting us in the hospital. fighting back tears, i lied and told him that mamang returned to taiwan to work so we can pay for our hospital bills. but weeks after and still in the hospital, together with my siblings, we finally told him that mamang already left us. “Anong iniwan?”, “Iyon ngang nasa ilalim na siya ng lupa”. i did not need explain further because ige already cried. We all cried. (wait, break muna, umiiyak na naman ako…)

mamang missed my college graduation; she could have seen me finish my bsbiology degree although I did not like it from the start. she even missed my debut which we were planning months ahead before the accident. she told me, “ako magtatahi ng gown mo” and showed me the fabric she will use. but then there was no gown; and the fabric remained as it is. sadly, i did not have a chance to bond with mamang very well. she was abroad for more than six years and she was away even before i started reaching puberty; she was not there when i had my first mens and my brothers teased me when i started crying when i saw the blood on my shorts. mamang was away most of the time during the special and awkward moments of my life. but i did not blame her for that. i never questioned why she need to work as a domestic helper when in fact she is a teacher. i used to think that mamang and i were not closed and that it is my kuya that she is fond of the most. but it was okay for me, because i believed that papang is also more fond of me than my kuya. quits lang.

today i wonder how does mamang looks like when she is still alive. she will be 52 years old by then. is she strict? I remembered her being masungit. would i be working in NGOs if she is still alive? she must have advised me to follow her profession. would i be married by now? baka hindi un papayag na umabot ako ng 27 na hindi pa nag-aasawa. would she also be blogging just like arkhe and me? mamang's a good writer and i believe that i got the skills from her. if she is still alive, would i tell her my secrets? would i tell her my heartaches? would she cope for those years that she missed during my adolescence? would we bond like no other mag-ina does? a lot of endless questions; i know arkhe, macoy, denden and ige also have theirs...

Ten years… but i still ask God why…